Today I lied to myself. Towards the end of a wonderful 2-day getaway to the sea; a perfect opportunity to rejuvenate the mind, I said I was happy to return to my city. Was I? What was I returning to? An unfulfilled dream, another dusk of endless struggle or a practical choice. I gave up the keys to the place I started out from, ten years ago. The empty racks, the accumulated bills, now just pieces of waste reminded me in a flash of how I built this place from scratch with big dreams and hope. Yes you could argue that I did a lot. Yes I did, failed even more and learned in the process.
But the question is, what did I learn in all these years? How did I sum up the whole experience in this 2-day getaway.
I learned to make friends; to trust people who didn’t trust me; to deal with a fact of a dead ex-girlfriend and smile it out in the most weird way possible. Learned to reincarnate from the ashes of failure and also to intentionally hurt people who at times were the greatest strengths in life and later regret about it.
The past two days helped me assemble my thoughts, recognise people better and find out the missing parts of ‘me’.
Chitra once said, “someone’s gonna get hurt”. People always try and find someone to put the blame on. When things confuse them they either try to clear the confusion or run away from the problem. I coped up with pretentious humans or as they call themselves, ‘friends’, lying on my face; and accepting the fact that few things are always out of your hands. “Did he touch you?”, I wanted to ask, but I knew for a fact that yes he did and she did too; for I waited outside knocking at the doors and no one answered my calls. Sat there for 15 minutes when he came out, unlocking the mystery and confirming the misery that had just taken full shape in my heart. I understood, people make bad choices at times. I also realised Chitra’s earlier statement had come true.
I almost envied Tushar. Not for who he is, but for the childhood fascination of having an athlete physique. I was drunk and unhappy. Unhappy because I wanted to escape my surroundings but failed. My body was heavy, more was my heart. I felt like a stick-insect, so long and slow that I couldn’t drag myself out. Benevolence seemed to have disappeared by then and I decided to give a fuck.
“Is it too bad?”, I asked my heart. Then I heard the laughter of my colleagues, whom I would wish to have as real siblings in my next birth. Suddenly the shadows were gone. I felt it was like a reef that held me tight for the better. I said to myself, “I didn’t fail anyone”. The approaching waves of the sea came in with fresh air and retreated taking away the dark vibes. Music, nostalgia and company of friends made it a healer. Somewhere deep down, I remembered Chitra’s words but now they did not make any sense to me. “I gave up the keys for a better future”, a voice spoke within me. I looked at the sky, saw the clouds floating away revealing the moon at times, giving hope that yes there will be light, soon.
I came back to the smiling faces who were lounging around the pool all evening. I saw Chitra & Tushar closely half immersed, when others asked where had I been gone. I said, “I took a walk of isolation”.
The mobile rang. It was 9.30am. I woke up and realised it was all a dream. A dream that has just taught me so much about life. Choices that ‘you’ make are always ‘yours’, and there’s nobody to blame. 8 hours later, I returned home happy and gave up the keys to the place I started out from, ten years ago. And it was no failure to me. I had moved in to a bigger place and I see people around me happy. I realised, I didn’t lie to myself after-all. But I wonder what if, Chitra & Tushar were real.
Photo by Sandipan Mitra.